If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
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Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work