If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.