If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
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As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”