I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.