If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.