If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans