Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
where the womens at?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Catering service
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.