DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
You Might Also Like
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her