@DonovanConvery: If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I'd like to eat now.
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@NurseMurderer: taking cats to the vet is hard because you can't lie and be like, "we are going to the park!" since they don't want to go there either.
@riley_fox: ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem! ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years] ME: Oh shiii
@KalvinMacleod: [ice cream parlor] WIFE: I'll have two scoops of vanilla ME: me too, u could say I want an WIFE AND CLERK: please don't ME: ice cream clone
@senderblock23: *uses ipad as a phone* Hey look at me i'm a hobbit
@EddieMcSugarnut: I'm just a naked guy in an elm tree noticing the creepy way you stare at me through your bathroom window.
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