Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
he looks great for his age
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of