My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.