If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Meow
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.