If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.