If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.