@ColoChiver: If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.
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@imence2: Head says "Forget about her." Heart says "Tell her u love her." Bottle of whisky says"Ride the cat around the house & you'll feel better."
@causticbob: 5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
@3sunzzz: [little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor] Me: [walking by] "It's easier if you lift with your legs."
@BuglegsMcWalshy: Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady's house, steal her stuff, and murder her.