every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I’m already scared
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
U talkin 2 me?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.