If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.