@Adar79Angie: If I had to list one thing I'm truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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@SimonNRicketts: BIDEN: I'mma punch him when he comes here. OBAMA: No, Joe. Don't do that. BIDEN: Punch him round the back. OBAMA: Joe. BIDEN: Kick, then.
@bacon_gillepic: Me: Your cat looks pregnant Friend: Impossible it's an indoor cat Me: What have you done
@thatUPSdude: Cop; Know why I pulled you over? Me; Because you got beat up in high school Cop;....... Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
@Abusitron: Waitress: "Enjoy your meal" Patron: "you too" Patron: 'why did I say that?' Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]