@ninatreemonkey: If I had two bathrooms I'd tell everyone someone died in one, I ain't tryna clean two bathrooms
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@Eric_Bader: Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
@MichaelJTiberi: Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.
@ManJuggs: The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.