If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
what
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101