If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Van Gone
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
new shirt idea
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.