whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
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How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Why soy sad?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.