[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
You Might Also Like
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
this isn’t threatening at all
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
What do you hear?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?