@joshgondelman: If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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@loudmouth_usa: TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you? Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
@GoldenSpirals: Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple? Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them. Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
@LizHackett: I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn't look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
@slyoung5: A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn't work, carjacking does.