If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.