@joshgondelman: If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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@wittwitbarista: My pharmacists won't return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I'm lonely.
@sumpeoplelikeit: The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
@AimeeHelene1: *wakes at 3am* *sits in dark* *jingles chains & scratches walls* *waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can't sleep & we open gifts*