If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon