This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*puts words between two asterisks*
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?