In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.