“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human