If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My current situation
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
decorating my apartment
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.