If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor