@TheDairylandDon: If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I'm nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
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@myonlymizztake: Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
@GrantTanaka: Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."
@Reverend_Scott: WAITER: Can I take your order? CUSTOMER: I don't know, can you? WAITER: ...Dad? CUSTOMER: ...son? [they embrace, finally reunited] DAD: But seriously, say 'May I take your order', you're embarrassing yourself