*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.