If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
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I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
hi why am I like this
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.