If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
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I’m too immature for adultery.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
*orders delivery*
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Best table by far
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I can fix him.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.