If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
You Might Also Like
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
*pronounces surface like Versace*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*