If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
You Might Also Like
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything