I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?