Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Muppet Screams
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.