@RuinMyWeek: If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
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@ObscureGent: When I die, I'm going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me. *Dies eating gas station sushi
@KentWGraham: Why do doctor's offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it's going to be high then.
@kellysoloduka: ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body. HER: Did they? ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?