If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
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My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
sigh
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Raisins are grape jerky.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!