If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?