@lenigs17: If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn't mean I'm stalking you...It just means you haven't looked nice in awhile
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@somecleverthing: Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It's like when you change a baby's clothes- new baby. New baby that's yours now.
@yoyoha: Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out :(
@theroneman: Captain: You’re suspended. Turn in ur badge and gun. [he does, but immediately grows a new badge and gun] Godammit, u were born to be a cop.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.” Wife: Me: Everything isn’t about you.