If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim