If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
checking out some reviews of my local library
Leaving the Barbers like
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.