@BlindVigil: If I lived in Alabama, I'd name my daughter, 'Banjo-lina".
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@mrtruthandsoul: *breaks out of prison *hunted by police for weeks *crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house* Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
@NicestHippo: "Bro she's a cold digger" [later with gf] Do you only want me for my germs? [she stops licking my face] Why would you ask that?
@rickolantern: Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
@hazelmotes1: Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.