If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
You Might Also Like
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
the three branches of government
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.