If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
This forever.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
i did the math
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn