If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
You Might Also Like
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.