If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
You Might Also Like
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.