I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
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(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Godspeed, John Glenn
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.