me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
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It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.