JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.