If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.