@J_Dazzle76: If I meet you for a date and you don't look anything like your pic, you're buying drinks for me until you do.
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@themiltron: [God creating beards] ADAM: God, I don’t like my face. GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes. ADAM: What? That’s not— GOD: Done.
@PinkCamoTO: I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
@daddyville: Wife still out of town. I'm afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
@thisis_thatguy: I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.