If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Teach your children to beatbox
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”