If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
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Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes