If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
You Might Also Like
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
🤣😂
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour