If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
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I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.